Don't take this personally

Dear you,

It's currently 3:33 PM on the last day of the month and my stomach is growling. I'm waiting a bit to go eat with a friend I haven't seen in a while. I want to pick up my phone and text you, tell you how my day is going and what's fogging my train of thought. I want to tell you everything that happened this month, do you have time? You probably don't, so I'll try to sum it up into something I learned this past week.

Hiking is great. It's something I've genuinely grown fond of, everything about the scenery and full embrace of nature bring me peace. I actually hiked today and it was an adventure because I've been trying to take the road less traveled. I know, it sounds cliche - but I went off the walking trail and into the bike trail that had steep slopes and a dry water stream. As much as I was enjoying the nature aspect, I was also feeling lost and unsure of where to go next.

Regardless of all the detours, shortcuts, or dead-end scenic routes, every twist and turn brought me back to the main trail. And I felt relieved because something finally turned out right. Recently, I've been feeling as if I'm not in control of things in my life. I've never felt uncertain of my future as much as I do right now. I have many questions, but no answers.

If I'm being honest with you, I am not feeling okay. I keep thinking of you and that night. I keep thinking if I did something wrong or if I messed something up. I keep thinking of the way you looked at me and smiled. And the worst part of it is that I see you in my dreams. And what could've been?

The reason why I'm writing this is that as much as I want you to read this, I know you won't. You were always more than I was to you. I know it was too soon, everything was happening too fast. I'll try not to take it personally, but the feeling is inevitable. It's going to take me some time, so just give me time. I hope that you're okay and you pass those tests you always stressed about.

I never asked you about your favorite ice cream flavor. I can only guess it now.

P.s. I hope it's not vanilla.